I've got onto the social work course, after a grueling thirty minute interview in which I was almost in tears as I thought I had done so badly! I am extremely pleased, but also very unsettled as I find it very hard to make big decisions that can determine the rest of my life. Even if the choice seems quite easy on paper, and you know that it will be good for you - I still shy away from commitment. I think that is also true in relationships, friends, boyfriends and family, and I can be self destructive in order not to feel so trapped. I need to stop pretending that I can flit through my life being half arsed about things and make a decision and stick to it. I also need to stop using safety nets and escape routes, as I will take then when the going gets tough, instead of seeing things through. Also, without an escape route I will hopefully stop trampling on people as I head towards the door.
I totally understand....
ReplyDeleteI have tried to strike a balance between sticking with some choices longer than I'd like so I'm not running away from life and it's lessons, because I DO want to be IN the game, LIVING fully before I croak.
At the same time, there are times to leave. Relationships, jobs, parties, bars, lol. Seems to me you know your stuff and are asking the right questions of yourself... that's the biggest hurdle for most folks so pat yourself on the back, but keep going with it.
One thing though, no decision is necessarily going to be for the rest of your life, and that helps diffuse it. Having a kid IS, but I'm hard pressed to think of anything else that's for sure for life. So it can help diffuse the pressure to know you can make the decision maybe for a healthy chapter in your life, and that's more do-able.